#TwitterFiction Festival 2014

I participated on the last day of the Second Twitter Fiction Festival,  12 – 16 March 2014. And by participated, I mean I posted a lot of tweets with the #TwitterFiction hashtag.

If I wrote erotic romance novels, I’d write a scene where one of my characters issues a lusty “Harrumph!” #TwitterFiction

Goddamnit, I’m calling animal control! For two mornings in a row, I’ve been butted in the crotch by feral goats. #TwitterFiction

For reasons unrelated to interior lighting fixtures, the neighborhood strumpet was known as the clapper. #TwitterFiction

I’m thinking of a number between 2 and 4. Okay, it’s pi, but I’m hungry. #TwitterFiction

My ungrateful boss fired me after I helped him get rid of his hiccups with my patented “punch to the throat” technique. #TwitterFiction

My symbolic concept of peace was destroyed when I saw two doves smacking the shit out of each other with olive branches. #TwitterFiction

None of the girls at the salon will wax my ass after they saw my vestigial tail because now they think I’m a demon. #TwitterFiction

I have a straw hat for sale. It has two holes in it because it used to be my donkey’s. Nowadays, he wears fedoras. #TwitterFiction

Dan writes letters to his 85-year-old future self so he will be surprised to hear from anybody when he’s senile and lonely. #TwitterFiction

The kids got restless at the stake burning because none of the parents brought marshmallows. #TwitterFiction

I don’t think it’s a good sign when the captain of the ship gets seasick. #TwitterFiction

The interior decorator I hired joked about attending support groups, but that explains why all the furniture is in a circle. #TwitterFiction

When I attended a funeral of a fairy friend of mine, Petal Bumblewand, I didn’t expect all the damn leprechauns to be there.#TwitterFiction

The double entendre case basically came down to a “that’s what she said”, “that’s what he said” situation. #TwitterFiction

In a few decades, I’m going to be the old guy telling the grandkids about how there used to be book houses called libraries. #TwitterFiction

I’m tired of picking up robes! The damn Druids haphazardly doff their garments every time someone turns on the hot tub. #TwitterFiction

Reality show idea: Ghostwriter Hunters. Investigators try to discover who is writing the books for celebrities & politicians.#TwitterFiction

When I draw an “8” it almost looks like a verticle bowtie, in the same way that “going” is almost a palindrome. #TwitterFiction

My Tourette’s syndrome started acting up at the auction and I bought all kinds of shit. #TwitterFiction

I dropped out of business grad school, so when I list my education credentials, I write MBA ’03 RIP. #TwitterFiction

Grandpa constantly complained at the movie theater during the film because his TV remote would not work. #TwitterFiction

“I’m fixing the feng shui in my shorts,” I said to the woman at Target who caught me adjusting my junk. #TwitterFiction

I got fired from my last modeling job because I sat down in the middle of the catwalk and ate a sandwich. #TwitterFiction

I need a number to a demon possession agency because my sister wants to meet this cute exorcist at the local church, but she’s kind of shy. #TwitterFiction

A Slinky got tangled in my hair and I couldn’t get it out. I had to go to work with it bouncing on my head like I was a goddamn Dr. Seuss character. #TwitterFiction