Raw and Uncensored Comedy: Nanowrimo Day #24
| 11.24.2011 | Posted by Dan Burt under Humor, NaNoWriMo |
She could tell something wasn’t right.
–Until I blew up my neighbor’s house, I’d almost perfected my mower microwave rocket machine. I don’t know why he got so mad; I was going to give him a discount when the machines were mass produced. When the firemen pulled him down from the tree where he had landed after the explosion, he came charging at me like he wanted to engage in fisticuffs. He fell down a couple of times trying to get to me, probably dizzy from all the excitement. The paramedics finally caught up with him, wrapping his nude, sooty body in a blanket and taking him away in an ambulance. I moved out of state the next day. I hope he learned to control his temper.
–I whittled a child’s toy today. Well actually, I just decapitated a Barbie Doll.
–I found some chewing gum in the park, still in the wrapper. I took the wrapper off and popped the gum in my mouth. Tasted pretty good, kind of like cinnamon. Then it started foaming up and burning a little, then a lot. I started running around the park, trying to find a water fountain. People were getting the hell out of my way, diving for cover. I finally jumped in the creek, dunked my head, and started gulping. Animal control showed up and took me to the pound. Later, I was transferred to the hospital where they performed a whole bunch of tests. They scheduled me to begin rabies treatment next week.
–Anybody know where I can get a bra repair kit? I just broke a strap on my wife’s favorite bra and she’s going to be pissed if she finds out. I would buy another one just like it and switch it out, but she had the other one broken in pretty good, so her nipples probably wouldn’t set right in a new one and she’d know something was up. Probably shouldn’t have used it to carry those engraved dedication bricks.
–I have a word of advice for choreographers: If you’ve choreographed an emotional and moving paso doble, think twice about using a stray cat as one of the dancers. I haven’t worked with one yet that’s cooperative and can dance worth a shit.
–Every year at our Thanksgiving feast, the table erupts into laughter when someone gets blasted in the face after innocently asking, “Please pass the pepper spray.”
–I just bought a bead mine! Someone just sent me an e-mail out of the blue, offering me this unbelievable opportunity. I go check it out next month. I’ll me making all kinds of bead shit in no time!
–I broke my girlfriend’s face once when we were dancing cheek-to-cheek and I busted out a breakdance move.
–Invented Trivia: Many soldiers credited the daily routine of jumping rope for keeping them alert and agile during the Battle of Guadalcanal.
–Every year at family gatherings, I try to start new traditions, but fail miserably. This year I’m suggesting an adult game of leapfrog.
–My jowls are flappy, my tongue’s weak, and my accuracy’s shot all to hell because I stopped competing in watermelon seed spitting tournaments. I bet if I tried now, my tongue would be in traction for a month. I’d probably spit wild and put someone’s eye out.
–I got so falling-down drunk one night, I tried to hail a train. I look back and laugh about that now. Everything worked out fine, though. I ended up stealing a car, waking up wrecked in a ditch with a dead passenger (probably a hitchhiker) beside me, crawling out of the ditch into the road and getting sideswiped back into the ditch, transported by an ambulance to the hospital, arrested, put on trial, sent to prison for manslaughter for ten years, paroled, finally getting a ride in a taxi to where I’d lived only to find a family of Dutch immigrants had moved in. But, trying to hail a train? That’s just plain funny.
–I want to be a Civil War reenactor, but instead of a soldier, I want to be a transvestite. Anybody know where I can get a fancy hoop skirt?
–It just occurred to me that I haven’t heard any news about aardvarks. I sure hope they’re okay.
–I definitely need to start working out, hitting the gym, running some miles, because this year, I want to look good in my two-piece bathing suit. I don’t want people to be looking at me in shocked disgust like they did earlier this year when I wore it to the beach.
–With the weather getting cooler, I won’t have too many more opportunities to go skinny dipping in the neighbor’s wading pool.
–Usually, I’m not good at selecting presents. But I think my wife’s going to like her Christmas present this year. I found her a brightly colored, stylish muumuu. I couldn’t decide between the orange and lime green, so I got her both.
–I just completed my correspondence pilot’s course with a passing 71%! Next week, I’m flying to Mexico, piloting a plane I built in my garage three months ago.
–I’ve got this cool fake punt play that I just know will work, but I haven’t had a chance to use it in my everyday life.
–Invented Trivia: Dick Tracy, the comic book character, was based on the comic book character who invented tear gas.
Raw and Uncensored Comedy: Nanowrimo Day #23
| 11.23.2011 | Posted by Dan Burt under Humor, NaNoWriMo |
Alton riding his high school sweetheart.
–I’m starting a blog where I post everything that anyone has ever told me in confidence. The blog will be called “I Can Keep a Secret.” Help me out and submit today!
–Invented Trivia: After his travels in China, Marco Polo was saddle-sore for six years, only finding relief through extended sessions of hydrotherapy.
–I knew my investors club was getting greedy when it started sinking money into steam-powered microscopes and miniature buckets of lard. I don’t know any other way to explain it.
–Nickelodeon rejected another one of my kids shows, Mething With the Crew. Everybody’s always showing the bad side of drugs; I wanted to put a more positive and humorous spin on it.
–Every year, I go through the same thing at Thanksgiving. My family always asks if I prefer turkey or ham, sweet potato or pumpkin, dressing or stuffing. And every year I always remind them: cranberry sauce, just give me the sauce. That’s all I eat. Bowls of it.
–It’s about time the professional golf tour had a tournament on Antarctica. I don’t think you can call yourself a real golfer until you’ve proven yourself on ice in bone-numbing windy conditions. No snowmobiles or dogsled teams allowed. The golfers must walk the whole course.
–Can anybody name any conservative innovators? And did they invent something other than weapons and cults?
–Invented Trivia: The afterbirth of a sheep has been shown to be effective at curing blindness in tom cats when applied generously onto the cat’s whiskers for up to three months.
–I knew this strange guy whose high school sweetheart was his bicycle. Isn’t that crazy? I got over my infatuation with my bike in fifth grade. Maybe sixth grade. But definitely by the end of seventh.
–I’m so socially awkward and shy, I redacted some of my love letters to my wife.
–My wife doesn’t like me talking about my Mexican ex-girlfriend’s hot tamale pie. But that girl could cook. I liked her taco, too.
–I’ve lost my fucking cocoanuts again. Let me know if you see them. They make a clopping sound when knock them together. They answer to Javier and Lynwood.
–I got fired for calling my supervisor a retarded fuckface not fit for pet food. Political correctness strikes again!
–I’m looking to team up with a plagiarist to coauthor some books I have in my library. Please send letters of recommendation you have copied.
–Invented Trivia: Jimmy Stewart was the first celebrity to don a skullcap. He wore one for several scenes in the short film “Shock Therapy.”
–I learned my lesson about putting the cart before the horse. The last time I did that, the horse ate all the apples I had in the cart. Ended up having to make rhubard pie instead. Then my girlfriend broke up with me the next year, and the year after that, my dog died. So I’m careful with carts and horses these days.
–I’m tired of the government telling me what to do. If I want to be a doctor, I should be able to hang out a shingle and start taking patients. Dr. Burt is open for business.
–I got my Ford Focus wired up. I got coaxial cable running all through it. Set up a printer in my trunk. I’m wiring up my wife’s car this weekend so I can eventually set up an auto network.
–Here’s a mashup book idea of two classics: Moby and the Monster, where Ishmael is the captain of Pequod II and now he’s obsessed with Moby, so he chases him to the Arctic and finds Frankenstein’s monster on an ice floe, so he rescues the monster and makes him the first mate after he thaws, and they look for Moby together.
–I can control clouds with my mind about five percent of the time. I just don’t know when that time will occur, though.
Raw and Uncensored Comedy: Nanowrimo Day #22
| 11.22.2011 | Posted by Dan Burt under Humor, NaNoWriMo |
This informative chart shows it is on the rise.
–Where the hell are all the Circuit City stores? My Circuit City credit card is one of the few I haven’t maxed out so I was going to use it for Christmas presents. I’ve been driving all over the state and the stores I happen to find are empty. I still have to do some shopping at Service Merchandise and Parisian.
–I always treated my one-night stands with respect and gratitude. Before I kicked them out, I always gave them a goody bag that included an autographed photo of me and Aloysius, my Portuguese water dog; two or three Wendy’s napkins to dry the tears of joy; and a coupon good for 10% off of the DVD recording of our sweet, sweet lovemaking (reg. $29.95 plus $6.95 handling + taxes).
–I don’t know that much about growing stuff, but I want to try to cultivate a cookie garden. This guy sold me this pack of seed cookies (Famous Amos) for $33. He said all I had to do was dig me a furrow, crumble up the cookies, and plant them in the ground. He said it didn’t matter if I watered them or not. I’ve been staying up all night, keeping an eye on my cookie garden to make sure no critters start digging around. I’m making a scarecrow that looks a little like Bert Convy in a feather outfit (I’m still collecting the feathers). It’s going to take a month, maybe two to grow the cookies, but I hope I have some to pick by Christmas.
–Kids don’t learn practical skills in schools these days. When I was going to my rural Appalachian school, I learned things I still use today. In chemistry class, we learned how to set up a still and make moonshine. Now kids have to learn that on the streets…or kitchens or RVs or their own makeshift laboratories in abandoned buildings. I bet if schools offered moonshine or meth classes, you would see attendance increase until they started consuming their own product. But this is where business and marketing classes come in.
–I have an upcoming art show in my backyard, composed of both painting and photography. I’ll be exhibiting my still life series of chalkboard erasers and distributor caps.
–I had to walk five miles to work this morning because the bus driver did not want to barter the fee, even though I was offering him an acceptable saddle blanket.
–You ever have one of those surreal moments when you wake up in the trunk of your car hugging a didgeridoo? That happened to me today. At first I was like “What the fuck?,” but then I remembered I’d crawled in there to take a nap. When I popped the trunk open, it was already dark and the parking lot was empty. It wasn’t too late, six-thirty or so. It seemed later than what it was. I’m still trying to get used to standard time.
–I try not to go into trances because the last time I did, I ate like nine bags of potato chips and one hot dog.
–I got thrown out of the PTA meeting because I ate all the barbecue. Plus I smacked the president of the PTA with a pool cue when she tried to make a barbecue sandwich. I guess I won’t be invited to any more meetings.
–I’m teaching my son how to play football. I’ve been showing him how to lateral. So far, that’s the extent of his training. We’ve been practicing for thirteen weeks.
–I’ve been looking for a contest that offers slippers as a prize. They don’t even have to look like any kind of cuddly stuffed toy; I just need some plain slippers. I would like them to be fuzzy, though.
–I’m trying to sell some cricket candles. They’re not made out of crickets; they’re just shaped liked them. I tell everyone they make a cricket sound when you light them, but they don’t. I hide a box of crickets under the cricket candle table and I kick it when I light one. Sometimes they make a noise, but most of the time they don’t. I’m going to try to may some with live crickets inside the candle.
–My engine locked up because of an oil situation. I haven’t changed it in probably 60,0000, maybe 70,000 miles because I thought my car had the self-changing oil feature. I think that’s what the salesman told me.
–I decided to take a ski vacation. I went to check into my cabin and saw a lot of blood in the lobby. The clerk told me not to worry; the bear was captured. Seems it had wondered into the lobby the day before for the breakfast buffett. When the bear saw they only had bearclaws to eat, he went a little beserk (bearserk!) and mauled a state senator who happened to be staying there and walking through the lobby at the time. The clerk assured me the breakfast buffett would be fully stocked the next morning.
–I know this is sad to consider, but I bet if a million ants vanished from the earth, no one would probably notice except kids with empty ant farms.
–I knew this NASCAR fan who only watched swim meets for the drownings.
–I saw this chart the other day that showed it’s on the rise. I can’t remember what it is, though. Or if it is good or bad. But it put everything in perspective.
–Since when has it been unacceptable to cuss during a job interview? I guess I just don’t understand this fucking world today.
–My folk singer name is Smooth Will Naughty. I haven’t written any songs yet. But I have a name.
–I don’t think I built my inground pool level because the water keeps leaking out of it.
Raw and Uncensored Comedy: Nanowrimo Day #21
| 11.21.2011 | Posted by Dan Burt under Humor, NaNoWriMo |
Problems with equally submissive legs
–While discussing dominant legs with a coworker, I told her my dominant leg was my right. She said she didn’t have a dominant leg, that both of hers were equally submissive. I asked her which one she kicked with. She didn’t know; she couldn’t remember kicking anything in her life. She then changed the subject to butter. I bet she sucked at step dancing.
–I deducted from the waiter’s tip because, while serving, he committed a foot fault.
–I’ve got to do something about the mold and mildew in the shower. I even saw a roach this morning in the shower scrubbing the grout.
–I think we should use numbers to label backup plans. For instance, instead of saying Plan B, say Plan 2. That way, if someone keeps fucking up, you have an infinite amount of numbers to use instead of having to start doubling up the letters, e.g. Plan AA, Plan BB. Besides, Plan AA sounds like a kick-ass plan instead of a pathetic 27th attempt after 26 fuck-ups.
–I know some of my relatives who would look quite stylish if prison garments ever become in vogue.
–I’m pretty sure I got spotted fever from eating spotted dick. My doctor says that’s impossible, but he’s not British.
–I had to perform a forceps delivery after my Doritos got stuck in the vending machine.
–I’m not exactly sure what steampunk is, but I got an idea for a book about a blimp, some avant garde weapons, a corkscrew, and a heroine who wears metal bustiers and suffers from urinary incontinence. If all of those aren’t elements of steampunk, then I don’t know what is.
–I can tell when I’ve got a good bar of soap by the salty taste.
–I’ve been walking around the neighborhood, wearing overalls and carrying a spear. Apparently, none of my neighbors consider it odd. In fact, a couple of guys and a gal have joined me on my walks also dressed in overalls and carrying spears (one of the guys has a harpoon). We don’t talk much, just walk around for an hour and go home. It’s kind of like a flash mob, neighborhood watch, and performance art all wrapped into one.
–I’m no scientist, but I think the low humidity in the house is causing the sofa to shrink, while at the same time, giving the illusion the sofa is the same size. This definitely requires further study this weekend.
–I wrote and mailed myself a personal check to use in case I run out of money.
–It seems like the older I get, the more I learn to appreciate the Christmas season’s commercialization. I mean, in my lifetime, the holiday marketing wizards have stretched Christmas into October. I didn’t say I like it, but I can appreciate how utterly overt, audacious, and aggressive the marketing tactics are. I guess this is real blowback for the fake war on Christmas. I predict very soon, we’ll have Christmas year-round, just like hockey or GOP debates.
–I read that on the next episode of “GOP Debates,” the candidates discuss bringing back Prohibition because it creates more bootlegger jobs and offers training for future NASCAR drivers.
–All my risky plans are collapsing. Every time I go out on a limb, it turns out to be phantom.
–The closest I came to making love on a yacht was masturbating in a dinghy. I got kind of embarrassed because this turtle kept popping it’s head up out of the pond to watch. Kind of threw my rhythm off. Damn thing just looked creepy; I don’t know what was going on inside that shell, either.
–I’m thinking of randomly sending some fake official-looking invoices just to see if people would pay them. I’d list things like “treated for bug eye” or “vampish behavior training” or “ballbearing massage” or something like that. If I get any complaints, I’ll just pretend there was an error in the address.
–Is there any over-the-counter medicine that works for a queef cough? The cough sounds pretty bad; kind of like the croup. I’m asking for a “friend” (she’d get mad and make me sleep on the couch if I used her name. Not that it matters; I’ve been sleeping on the couch anyway because of all the noisy coughing). I don’t know if she’s got a fever because she won’t let me near her with a thermometer because of where I tried to insert it last time.
–The last time I wanted to listen to some good old fashion gospel music like the kind I heard on my Granny’s radio as a young boy was never. The closest I’ve come to hearing gospel music lately is when Lady Gaga mentions Jesus Christ in “You and I.”
–I’m getting a great deal on lasik eye surgery. This guy on Craigslist said he’d do it for fifty bucks an eye. He said he’d even come to my house and perform the procedure. Man, who said outstanding service doesn’t exist in America. I can’t wait to throw my glasses away.
Raw and Uncensored Comedy: Nanowrimo Day #20
| 11.20.2011 | Posted by Dan Burt under Humor, NaNoWriMo |
Don’t fall for their pranks!
–I need to make some extra money, so I’m thinking of setting up a toll booth on the street in front of my house. I’m going to charge everybody–the kids on bikes, walkers. I don’t think people will be mad because they know I’m only doing it because of Christmas.
–Faux aphorisms:
>Very often, ticket takers yearn to see the show, too.
>Flying colors sometimes have rough landings.
>Paddles and trowels are all the same to marble sculptures.
>The horse wears the reins, but the monkey’s gonna swing.
>Though banjo players have fun-loving reputations, it’s the dulcimer players you need to watch out for.
–Thanksgiving is always a bittersweet occasion for the family. It was during this time of year we lost grandpa because of complications due to a hat transplant. He’d recently switched from straw to felt, but never “felt” comfortable with the new hat. He eventually started wearing toboggans (i.e. boggans) everywhere he went, causing him to mush up what little hair he had. We rarely see him these days because he hangs out at the skate park repairing ramps for his young beanie-wearing skateboard friends. Some of my cousins have reported seeing him wondering about town in a hoodie. But I still have memories of “riding horsey on his knee” as we both wore our straw cowboy hats. I still don’t know why I ended up working as a clerk in a haberdashery, though.
–I’m getting tired of these fucking bunnies running around the neighborhood, knocking on doors, and leaving deposits on the porch. I thought they were leaving leftover Easter candy, chocolate-covered raisins or peanuts or whatnot. Don’t believe their little cute signs! That’s not candy! You may trick me a few times, but not all night.
–I bought a private island in the Bermuda Triangle from a dude who had an extra one. I chartered a plane to go check out my purchase, but I couldn’t find it anywhere. We flew around for hours. Nothing was showing up on my GPS. We eventually gave up and flew back. I contacted the guy and told him what happened. He said since it was the Bermuda Triangle, islands disappear all the time. That’s why he only charged me $800. He said he hoped I had island insurance. I’d never heard of island insurance, but I didn’t want the guy to think I was an idiot, so I told him I had purchased some, but it was one of those fly-by-night companies and they probably disappeared like my island. The dude really felt bad for me, so he offered me a deal on another island, only charging me half price. I fly over next week to check it out.
–Would a pillow made of skin wrinkle and develop age spots? I want to know because the person selling it at the flea market said I wouldn’t have to worry about that as long as I kept it oiled up.
–My high school counselor asked what profession I was interested in pursuing and I told her string inspector. I asked if there were college programs specifically for that. She said probably not. This is the story I tell people when they ask me if I can pinpoint the exact moment my childhood dream was assinated.
–My marine animal training’s going fairly well. I’ve taught a pod of seals how to hang drywall and apply stucco, though, oddly enough, they still have problems applying sealer.
–My neighbors are thankful for the cooler weather because that means I quit using my front yard outdoor shower.
–I found my lucky horseshoe when I was kicked in the face by an agitated horse who was wearing it (he didn’t like being tickled). After the horseshoe was surgically removed from my mouth, I hung it over my bedroom door. A short while later, it fell, striking me on the head and giving me a concussion. Now I just avoid the doorway and sleep on my couch.
–I didn’t know I’d have such a hard time x-raying a litter of kittens.
–While digging around in some old family photos, I found a picture of one of my great-aunts in a belly dancer’s outfit holding a bullfrog. I didn’t know I had any relatives in the entertainment industry.
–I need to call Ralph Macchio to congratulate him for being a Hollywood superstar despite his old-fashioned name.
–I’ve always had problems socially. I get nervous in crowds, and have problems talking with people one-on-one. I think my kidnap victims sense this.
–A beret seems like an effete beanie.
–Every time I hear George Michael sing, “guilty feet have got no rhythm,” I try to think of a time when my feet may have been guilty. It’s probably those times when I was stumbling and tripping. I wonder what my feet are hiding.
–My project to reinvent myself starts tomorrow when I wear boots instead of running shoes. I might even try eating cottage cheese. I’m starting subtle and working my way up slowly to full-fledged grapfruit farmer.
–I got a couple of new tattoos: a comb and a cup. I think I’m finished with the C’s now.
–I’ve been so busy lately I forgot to set my sundial back to standard time.
–One of the things on my list to do when I retire is to live in the moment.
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