I had the privilege of answering stupid ass questions last week for the website Stupid Ass Questions. In case you missed it, either by ignorance or on purpose, here’s your chance to read my answers or avoid my sage advice once again.
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I am trying desperately to lose weight for an upcoming reunion. You know how those can be. So I was wondering…. do you think it would be safe to super glue my lips together? Or is Monkey glue best. I’ll leave a tiny hole open in middle for a straw. Oh and how do I get it apart once I’ve lost all my weight?
Dan: Let me commend you for choosing starvation as a weight-loss method. Research has shown—and I’ m talking research conducted by real scientists and supermodels—that starvation is very effective for losing weight, as effective as abstinence is in preventing pregnancy. Just by tweaking your lifestyle to eliminate food and sex, you could attain the two most desirable attributes sought after at a reunion: skinny and childless. You want further proof of effectiveness? Starvation was the method of choice used by Oprah when she lost all that weight back in 1988, allowing her to fit into her skinny jeans for eight minutes and thirty-seven seconds that year.
Regarding starvation methods: You’re in luck! I’ve developed an edible glue that is just perfect for your situation. The patent is pending and the glue is not yet FDA approved, but I only have to finish documenting side effects (such as teeth and denture disintegration), submit the patent applications, and pay filing fees. I can send you a few tubes for free; you just pay two small shipping and handling fees of $34.27 and I’ll even throw in a special pair of gloves that you can wear when applying the glue (believe me, you’re going to need those gloves). Make sure you sign, notarize, and return the waiver release forms with your payment (cash money is fine). Your glue will be shipped and delivered to your door immediately if it is not confiscated by the post office as a hazardous substance. The edible glue comes in several strengths and flavors, from post-it note pineapple (bonding strength effective for one day) to lip-ripping lemon (bonding strength effective for several months).
Along with using a straw for your recommended daily two-liter Diet Coke, I suggest you also keep hydrated using a neti pot. Don’t forget the absorption properties of the eyeballs.
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I recently lost a friend over a joke I told about them at one of my recent stand up comedy routines. I don’t get it. Should I have maybe left their name out of the joke?
Dan: If a “friend” gets upset just because of your incredibly insensitive joke, they were not a friend to begin with. You need only be concerned with one thing: did the joke get a laugh? If so, keep it in the routine. If not, get rid of it like it got rid of that fake friend of yours. Either way, that joke’s serving a purpose.
One lesson I’ve learned in life is that people are fickle. I’m estranged from many friends, family members, patients, and pets because I’ve posted stories using details from their personal lives on my blog. Apparently, these thin-skinned technophobes don’t understand how blogs work, how blogs need entertaining, salacious gossip to increase Internet traffic and “buzz” in order to get a book deal.
I do know what it’s like not to be forgiven because of a joke, though. I once recounted an especially graphic rendition of “The Aristocrats” joke in front of a captive audience and was immediately asked to leave the room. And to this day, I have not been asked back to teach another Sunday school class.
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I was asked recently to do temporary work. When I inquired as to what they would be paying they looked at me like I just fell off a turnip truck and said you start Monday. What’s a turnip truck?
Dan: One thing you must remember about jobs: though some jobs may not pay in folding money, all jobs pay in experience. Today, I still use the experience I gained from my days as a grout taster (mainly, don’t taste everything you’re asked to).
You didn’t mention what kind of work you will be performing, but if you’re being hired to fall off a turnip truck, you may have “fallen” into the perfect career. I mean, you could be hired to fall off of worse things, like a huge ball of used dental floss or a pile of dead penguins.
Turnip trucks are modern day mechanical wonders. Rumor has it that the first turnip truck was reverse engineered from alien technology at Area 51.
Not only have I driven a precision built turnip truck, I lived in one for several years after my common law wife kicked me out of the townhouse when her cat died from eating a batch of my homemade edible glue I left on the vanity in the guest bathroom.
Good luck! Maybe the temporary position will become permanent.
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I’ve begun drinking more water at my doctor’s suggestion. Problem is that it makes me have to visit the bathroom MUCH more than I care to. I’m elderly so sometimes I almost don’t make it. Adult diapers are far too costly for my budget. Should I buy some ShamWows and sit on them?
Dan: Just like my regular doctor, yours sounds like a quack. My doctor’s known as a quack because he only accepts payment in ducks. He is very affordable. My annual physical (including prostate exam and scrotum adjustment) only costs me three ducks. My doctor is kind and caring, too. Not only does he feed the ducks during my examination, he lets them watch.
He inspired me to dream of becoming a country doctor myself, but only if the country were third world and did not check medical training credentials.
I think you got your duck’s worth when your doctor suggested you drink more water, even if you have to pay extra for the bottled variety. I’ve read that bottled water is not any better than the water you find in your toilet, and may even have a comparable taste. Before testing this out, however, make sure you flush.
Regarding your “leaky” situation, I have a product that will plug your holes. While marketed as an edible glue, I discovered the concoction works just as effectively as a natural body dam (one of the recurring side effects). Just squeeze a tube in whatever water you’re drinking, be it bottled or bowl, and forget about urinating for a few weeks. Eventually, the “plugs” work themselves free with little pain, similar to passing kidney stones.
Be careful with the ShamWows! Sitting on them too long will lead to extreme dehydration, causing you to develop a look and texture of beef jerky.
Dear Stupid Ass Questions: I entered an art show last night and they haven’t called me yet to tell me if I made it in or not. Should I sit on their doorstep and say I’m here to find out if I made it? Or should I break in the museum and sit there till they open up and give me an answer? Would a bag of chips ahoy help them decide? Or is it better to do homemade? I could get my neighbor to make them. She’s fat so she must know how to bake goodies. I really don’t want to spend too much time on this so would a bag of doggie treats work just as well? I saw that Milk Bone is on sale right now so I could put together a big platter. The museum curator is an old lady and probably eats cat food so she won’t know the difference. Do you think I made it?
Dan: Most of the famous artists I’ve known used food to get into their first art show. Picasso used French tarragon chicken, while De Kooning offered cheese-stuffed manicotti. Jackson Pollock just got drunk and threatened to beat the crap out of the gallery owner with a turkey leg.
Then there was Andy Warhol, who said to me my first day at The Factory, “Help! I’ve been shot!” My first day happened to be the day Valerie Solanas dropped by so Andy could “say hello to her little friend” (sorry, I’m not good with accents). When she opened fire, I courageously bolted into action by racing across the room and wrestling the window open, then dashing down the fire escape into the relative safety of the bustling New York City crowd. I found out later Andy was rushed to the hospital where doctors attempted an emergency hair transplant, but it didn’t take, leaving him with a disfigured coiffure. My point being, I bet Warhol used food, too, probably soup. If I had to guess, I’d say Progresso.
You seem like a person in a hurry to launch an art career, a person who wants to get stuff done no matter how ill-informed and useless your methods are. Let me recommend a book I’ve found helpful in my own life: Common Sense, Patience, and Other Rare Qualities by Barney Ouchmoody. This precious jewel has provided me with pertinent wisdom during my impatient, dumb times. Unfortunately, the author won’t be offering any more advice because this book was published posthumously after he died in an automobile accident attempting to pass a slow driver around a blind curve.
Stop worrying about whether or not you’re in the art show. You should be working on your backup plan, such as procuring a booth at a flea market. May I suggest Flea Market Montgomery, a first-class business establishment where I sell my popular edible glues behind the building out of the back of my van next to the dumpster.