Fixing the Feng Shui in My Shorts Excerpt

Fixing the Feng Shui in My ShortsSometimes pets and animals can be a pain in the ass. And when they are, I let everybody know about it. I post about it on Facebook, Twitter, and DMX Fan Club forums (until my account was involuntarily deactivated). I even wrote a letter to Penthouse asking for advice because I knew they had experience with pets, but they never published my letter or answered me (not counting the subscription request). Following are some of the experiences I’ve had with pets and animals over the past year, which is also an excerpt from my upcoming book, Fixing the Feng Shui in My Shorts: A Year of Brainsick Tweets from a Naive Idiot.

 

I need to get some herding dogs that know how to handle cephalopods because I’ve got a lot of squid and cuttlefish swimming loose in my pond.

Herding Cephalopods
My pet bird, Chet, keeps plucking itself. Feathers are everywhere! I glued most of them back on, though.

Can you sue a dog for perjury? The mutt’s on the witness list for my upcoming trial and I don’t trust that son of a bitch.

I hate to complain, but there’s a goat running around the neighborhood with no respect for the law.

Goat
I had a dream that a terrier beat me in craps. The next day when I left for work, I was wondering what the dream meant when I stepped in dog shit.

Coincidence or karma? I slapped a Jim Nabors impersonator at the mall, and later a scorpion jumped out of my briefcase and stung me in the face.

I bought a new dog collar. Now my dog, Buddy, is jealous. He keeps looking at me when I wear it.

My reflexes have deteriorated worse than I thought. My pet sloth just beat me in a slap fight.

Slappy sloth
I was jumping rope in my backyard when I tripped over a possum that tried to join in.

My backpack where I keep my hornet’s nest has been keeping me up at night with all the buzzing.

My pet turtle, Shelly Berman, said the lamp in the room was too bright. I’m like: What the fuck? Just stay in your shell! He’s always complaining about shit.

I need a small funnel to force-feed my pet fish, Fidel. He’s not sick; just stubborn. I’m not putting up with a fucking bullheaded anorexic fish.

My pet fish, Fidel
I need a small Snuggie for my iguana, Charo. She keeps wearing mine and it’s entirely too big for her. She looks ridiculous.

I’ve had it with these fucking deer! I saw one through my telescope out in the woods behind my house spying on me with binoculars.

I’m trying to teach my dog how to play a harmonica. But when I put it in front of his mouth, the mutt won’t even try to blow; he just licks it.

Non-musical mutt
I need to call an exterminator because while I was in the bathroom taking a shower, I got stung by a jellyfish.

Had to make a late night trip to Walmart because I was out of hamster shampoo (Suave’s Radiant Rodent w/Green Tea).

I think something’s wrong with my snake, Moby, because he’s starting to grow fur. I’m going to mail Moby to my vet and have her check him out.

My pet hawk. Hugo, has bubbles coming out of his beak. I bet that jive turkey ate my fucking soap again.

My pet hawk, Hugo
Damn cow stepped on my cassette Walkman and broke it this morning when I was milking her. I hope the warranty covers farming accidents.

Some nights I stand in my backyard, gazing into the mysterious universe and wonder where my wire-haired terrier buried my mood ring.

I brought my pet goose, Glendora, to church. She kept honking throughout the sermon, even after I gave her some cough syrup. The commotion was so embarrassing, I ended up leaving church early. I told my wife to try rubbing Glendora’s tummy when I handed the goose to her when I left.

My pet goose, Glendora
The damn dog’s been drinking my beer again. Found a couple of empty bottles of Moosehead in his doghouse next to his fondue pot.

I got into a big fight with my parakeet, Chet, and now he won’t say two words to me (he only knows two words).

(Originally posted at The Yellow Ham)