Sometimes pets and animals can be a pain in the ass. And when they are, I let everybody know about it. I post about it on Facebook, Twitter, and DMX Fan Club forums (until my account was involuntarily deactivated). I even wrote a letter to Penthouse asking for advice because I knew they had experience with pets, but they never published my letter or answered me (not counting the subscription request). Following are some of the experiences I’ve had with pets and animals over the past year, which is also an excerpt from my upcoming book, Fixing the Feng Shui in My Shorts: A Year of Brainsick Tweets from a Naive Idiot.
I need to get some herding dogs that know how to handle cephalopods because I’ve got a lot of squid and cuttlefish swimming loose in my pond.
My pet bird, Chet, keeps plucking itself. Feathers are everywhere! I glued most of them back on, though.
I have another essay posted at the Heckling Myself section of The Yellow Ham called How to Stack Things. It’s an essay about my attempt to learn a useful skill and discovering I had an extraordinary proclivity for it.
The Yellow Ham is a website specializing in all types of written humor from folks who’d give stand-up comedy a try if they were less scared of hotel bedspreads. Or of being laughed at instead of with. People you might also refer to as “stay-at-home comedians” or “yellow hams.”
To submit, send your humor submissions to: email@example.com. We don’t pay, but you get a ham sticker (and sometimes a beanbag ashtray) if you’re on the site. We prefer pieces that are no more than 1,000 words. And we prefer them pasted into an email instead of attached. We also prefer one space after a period and no smart quotes, but we can’t get too picky since we’re publishing your brilliance for free. Also, if you send a photo to Captions, it needs to be a photo YOU took.
We’re open to reading anything — from knock-knock jokes and rants, to essays and poetry. We like highbrow humor, lowbrow humor, unibrow humor, dark humor, blue humor, and dark blue humor. Our categories are pretty self-explanatory (poems, lists, fake news, captions), and longer humor pieces (over 500 words) appear under Howls, while shorter pieces appear under Hoots. Thanks for reading!