Raw and Uncensored Comedy: Nanowrimo Day #30

Man Pouring Wine
Does not get any better with age

-I tried writing in front of a live, studio audience, but no one made a sound so I had to go back to using a laugh track. I also have a hobo follow me around and play my theme song on a kazoo. I compensate him with Arby’s roast beef sandwiches.

-I lost my pet, Boomer, today. He looked like a mix between a lab and a robot. He was a virtual pet and I accidentally deleted him.

-I got turned down again by the Grand Ole Opry. Apparently, they’re not interested in my one-man show, “Dogs in Heat.” I guess it’s too “arty” for them.

-I’m going to have to fire my defensive coordinator. There’s just too much crap getting through and nobody seems to know how to tackle. People are walking up to me at work and nobody is laying a hand on them. I’m going to have to start hitting them myself.

-For Christmas this year, I’m buying everyone in my motorcycle gang aprons. They like barbecuing the roadkill they find.

-According to The Amazing Book of Useless Information, most wines do not improve with age, much like rednecks and Republicans.

-I’m going to learn how to fence in case I’m attacked by someone with a sabre. I’m going to learn how to build a fence also, to keep out sabre-rattling hords and protect myself in case my fencing skill sucks.

-I have heard the rumors about what I keep in my burlap sack, and I’m here today to neither confirm nor deny said rumors.

-I’ve been putting this off, but I need to update my wisecracking certification by adding “Oh Snap!” and “Oh no you didn’t!”

-Some people have told me they don’t get my humor. I always tell them just wait until you’re dying alone in a nursing home.

-According to The Amazing Book of Useless Information, the first magician to perform the trick of sawing a woman in half was Count de Grisley, in 1799. The first time it was successfully performed without a fatality was in 1803 by Fausto the Magnificent.

-I’m no scientist or anything, but it seems like you could block up the hole in the ozone with a bunch of rain clouds.

-My son complained about having the hiccups, so I reached out, grabbed his hair, and gave it hard tug. He still had the hiccups, but he quit complaining and I got a handful of hair out of the deal.

-I can tell good things are coming my way because I just found a fresh pack of ledger paper in the dumpster.

-If you want to see something amazing, watch me in the NBA Slam Dunk contest next year. I’m sure they’ll accept me after they see my audition tape. I filmed it at an angle so it looks like I’m dunking on a regulation goal. After they accept me, I’m going to see if they’ll let me dunk on a six-foot goal. I should be able to do that by the time the contest rolls around and if I keep working out. Maybe they’ll let me use a trampoline.

-I hate forgetting my bookmark. The last time it happened, I was at the doctor’s officer. I had to borrow some scissors to cut off part of my sleeve to use.

-According to The Amazing Book of Useless Information, there are 27 different styles of beer, and 49 substyles. All produce infinite varieties of unique drunks.

-You know what I think would work wonders for clogged up digestive problems: greasy fiber. That’s what I would call it, too, if I sold it in stores. I’d also put it in one of those Liquid Plumr jugs.

-I’m going to write a story about a rich, glamorous, beautiful woman who is addicted to beef jerky.

-Everybody called my cousin Louie, Trouble. I always thought it was because he was a rabble-rouser, but come to find out, he just didn’t have much luck. One night he was playing craps and kept throwing snake eyes all night, eventually losing all his money. If Louie wasn’t such a dumbhead and was a bit more psychic, he probably could have seen the signs. Later, in his tent, he was bitten in the balls by a water moccasin. He survived, but his nut junk had to be amputated, only to be replaced with a leather pouch and a pair dice. Everybody started calling him Trouble because when he walked he sounded like that game with the dice in the middle of the board.

Raw and Uncensored Comedy: Nanowrimo Day #29

Lanterns
Bodybuilding equipment

-In a casual conversation with a friend the other day, I confused Euclid’s fifth axiom with his fourth. Man, was I embarrassed. Now my friend cannot even make eye contact with me.

-Not only did basic training teach me the importance of details, but also how to take shortcuts to reach an objective.

-I studied all the science and discovered my atomic number is 93.

-My modus operandi is wearing a stethoscope and asking strangers to raise up their shirts so I can listen to their hearts. I’m not sure I know what modus operandi is.

-I’m getting so feebleminded. I forgot what a trout was. I thought it was a furrow made by a trowel. Then I thought, that can’t be right; trowels live under bridges.

-I planned to make an unmanned aerial vehicle, but now that I’ve built it, I want someone to fly it. They’ll have to be small, though. Maybe a baby or an undernourished kid.

-I went to a strip mall and found a whole bunch of stores, even a church. Everybody kept their clothes on. Someone needs to rename that place.

-The Pudding Wars were hard fought, but tapioca was defeated and forced to retreat into nursing homes and hospitals.

-Someone really cranked up the heat in the office. It’s actually feeling a bit humid. I may need a condensation pump in my underwear.

-I’ve got to get my bicycle tuned up because next spring, I’m going to bike all the way to the Grand Canary Island. I hope to raise money for a documentary about me biking to the Grand Canary Island to raise money to make this documentary you’re watching.

-Isn’t it about time scientists passed the Gravity Law, instead of just leaving it a theory. Come on, scientists, what’s the hold up? You’re acting like Congress. Maybe I should create a Gravity Law lobby.

-I need to start an exercise program to build up my biceps. I bought a whole bunch of lanterns at the flea market I’m going to use. If I light them, I can exercise at night outside…or in dark, abandoned dairy farm buildings.

-My tryout with the local handball team didn’t go so well. I had trouble with my hand and eye coordination because I had been practicing with a beach ball instead of that small, hyper thing they were slapping at me.

-Our financial officer wanted us to submit a list of emergency repairs we may need to do in the upcoming year. Here’s my partial list:

>breakroom remodeling after the wildebeest stampede
>exploding elevator
>glory hole padding in the bathrooms
>building replacement after it burns down because of a lit lantern accident in the historical documents vault
>Bulb replacement for the “Emergency Exit” signs

-I’m tired of waiting for a talk show hosting job to open up. I’m starting my own show. My son helped me set up a desk on the roof of my house. I’ve got a couple of chairs and a loveseat to put up there, too. I sent an invitation to Wayne Gretzky to be my first guest.

-Baseball season is still five months away and the Cubs have already been mathematically eliminated.

-I’m making an Advent calendar using the crappy leftover Halloween candy I still have around the house. There’s going to be a candy corn week, so everybody will get some.

-I tried to start a food fight with my dog, but he just ate everything I threw at him.

-I went out early and cut a truckload of firewood. Now I need to build a chimney or buy a woodburning stove.

-Has society overcome its disapproval of man purses? I sure hope so because I have this cute little pink Coach purse I want to show off.

Raw and Uncensored Comedy: Nanowrimo Day #28

Johannes Brahms
Johannes Brahms: Friend of Squirrels

-I’m continuing a Christmas tradition this year: gathering the family around the TV to watch all three seasons of Strangers With Candy.

-I’m following a strict avant garde diet. Not only can I eat all the slaw I want, but also pine needles and pencil erasers.

-I tried teaching my dog how to make Kool-Aid, but he kept getting it too sweet. I never could get him to add the right amount of sugar.

-A lot of self-help books I’ve read talked about developing your own personal philosophy. I’m trying to develop my own personal equation. So far the numbers aren’t working out. I might have to throw in some trigonometry. Or maybe some imaginary numbers.

-Tornadoes seem to have anger issues.

-Some brute was talking about how he could beat the shit out of a velociraptor. I said, “Poppycock!” and he punched me in the face. I guess he thought I was insulting his manhood.

-The CEO asked if anybody had any presentations for the staff meeting. I see a chance to test out my one-man show.

-I’m pitching a spin-off show of Hoarders called E-Hoarders. It’s about people who won’t delete any e-mail, including spam. Maybe they’ll make it a web series.

-Some guy said he’d give his two-cents worth, so he started rambling about some boring shit. I finally got so tired of hearing his voice, I slapped him in the face to shut him up. I’m not running a tab for your thoughts here, buddy. Your two cents were up long ago.

-I hate to be graphic, but somebody just called me a dumbhead. I’m not taking that kind of language from anybody. I put some arrogant punk in the hospital once for calling me a chump.

-I was making a porno film and placed an ad for a cockmaster. All these people showed up with roosters. I told them it wasn’t one of those kinds of movies. I guess I need change the ad.

-I had a chupacabra as pet once. I had to get rid of it because it kept eating my goats. The kids were disappointed because they had grown fond of it. I let it go in Mexico when we took a cruise.

-Invented Trivia: Johannes Brahms loved nature. In his home laboratory, he developed a flaxseed oil concoction that proved effective at soothing nervous squirrels.

-If I’m ever hired as a foreign correspondent, my contract will stipulate that wherever I go, I must be accompanied by my pontoon boat and my favorite Adirondack chair.

-I discovered one of the best methods for playing hooky from work or school is to get drunk and forget to go.

-I finally got most of my family together for a family photo. Actually, I just asked them to send me a recent (or not too recent) picture and I photoshopped them all together with the Sphinx in the background.

-My parole officer said that, while technically showering with an underage cactus is not a sex crime, it should be. I’m afraid my record will  keep me from attaining my dream of teaching remedial kindergarten.

-I got thrown out of a strip club last week. I set off a smoke bomb, but nobody noticed because of the fog machine. But then I punched this guy in his beer belly, a guy who happened to be the owner. Actually, my ventriloquism dummy, Rockford, hit him with his bass clarinet. The bouncers grabbed Rockford, then grabbed me (like I had anything to do with it). That’s when they found the other undetonated smoke bombs.

-The good thing about having a pet paraplegic cricket is how quiet it is.

-Expect a recall for Campbell’s Alphabet Soup. I contacted them immediately after finding numbers in mine.

Raw and Uncensored Comedy: Nanowrimo Day #27

Shadow Swan Puppet
The interviewee's swan song

-Since Christmas stole some of the spotlight from Halloween this year, I’m dressing up as a possessed elf and going trick or treating on Christmas Eve.

-My feet are returning to their normal color after I got a shoeshine a couple of months ago while wearing my flip-flops.

-My plumber thinks he knows all the answers. He told me the other day that a duffle bag full of raw eggs would weigh more than my computer. I told him that he was full of crap because eggs contained helium. He said not to blame him if I missed the question on Jeopardy!

-Over the doorway in my beachside bungalow, I nailed up my lucky horseshoe crab.

-I’ve been going door-to-door trying to sell raw milk and raw wool. The rejection’s hard enough, but I’m having to put up with an uncooperative cow, goat, and sheep.

-I just signed a contract to have the inside of my frame house bricked with rust-proof bricks.

-I wasn’t allowed on the subway because I was carrying my dulcimer…and pet pig.

-Writing Prompt: There were unsubstantiated reports that the maloderous scent emanated from the nipples.

-Since my experiments to reanimate cottage cheese have proven disastrous, I’ve decided to move on to yogurt. Maybe the active cultures will be beneficial to bringing about reanimation.

-I’m getting tired of these airlines treating passengers (paying customers!) like cattle, showing absolutely no respect. Miss Snotty flight attendant told me to put away my laptop. I told her I was an important writer and I was on a deadline. She pointed out that I wasn’t writing but watching a show. I told her I needed to watch the last couple of episodes of the Colbert Report to catch up, but she insisted I put it up. She also had a problem with me plugging my laptop into an extension cord, then running the cord to the generator I had running in the overhead bin. She said something else, but I couldn’t hear her over the generator noise.

-Before the Thanksgiving meal, my family formed a prayer circle. Since I’m an agnostic, they told me I had better decide to join them.

-One of my experiments has gone a little wacky and I’ve ended up with a magnetized tongue. I have to remember to eat with plasticware because metal spoons and forks could be lodged in my mouth for a week or more, until the magnetic properties fade.

-I think someone should invent these little chimney-like devices for menopausal women to wear. If they are having hot flashes, steam comes out. If they are mad, smoke comes out. The device may not offer any relief to the affected women, but other people (especially men) will receive a warning.

-I don’t think it would be difficult to land a gig at Windsor Castle. The queen probably would like to be entertained like anyone else. I hope to play there next year. I’ll work on a special juggling routine after I learn to juggle.

-I was at my favorite watering hole enjoying my favorite meal–pasture stew–when, would you believe it, I found a four-leaf clover in the bowl. I don’t know if it was in the stew or already in the bowl, but I consider it lucky either way.

-My wife’s complaining about the noise I make when I sleep. I asked her if my snoring was that bad. She said it sounded like a stampeding herd of grunting oxen crossing a wooden bridge. She said I was scaring the dog. I guess I need to check into getting them some earplugs.

-It’s my turn to organize the hamster races in the basement of the flophouse. As usual, after the races, the swing dance competition begins.

-I squandered my track and field scholarship when I speared that dude with the javelin in a bar fight. I was spending too much time drinking.

-For some reason, I don’t think it’s a good sign if, during an interview, the interviewer is making shadow puppets on the wall while you’re answering questions.

-If I ran a bank, I’d make everybody wear those old-fashioned green visors.

Raw and Uncensored Comedy: Nanowrimo Day #26

Private sign
Learn to read and ignore signs.

-I had an erotic dream about Facebook. It kept tagging and poking me, and making me accept its terms of usage.

-I went in for a physical and a blind nurse started making out with me. I think she thought I was the doctor. I thought I had stumbled onto the set of a blind fetish porno movie.

-I don’t think the family liked how I carved the turkey this year. I used an aggressive stabbing technique. Everybody complained I should have waited until the turkey was cooked.

-Sometimes you’ve got to read the signs–and ignore them! I once saw a “Private” sign on a door. I just walked right in and discovered a buffett set up. Best pepper steak I ever had.

-Invented Trivia: Sometimes babies of coalminers are born with black lung disease because of coal dust in the father’s semen.

-Rare photo request: Penguins playing Monopoly.

-My wife and I are having a Mexican stand-off: I won’t eat her cooking and she won’t have sex with me. I found this joke laying on the ground at the site where old vaudeville comedy was once performed.

-I bought a book at the Black Friday sale at the Salvation Army store called Practical Blood Transfusion. I’m going to try selling it on eBay by slapping another cover on it, saying it is a science book based on the Twilight movie series.

-I had to cheer up a drepressed friend today. His business isn’t doing too well and he’s hurting financially. He’s having problems with his victims escaping. And the ones who aren’t escaping, people are refusing to pay ransoms, so he has to kill them. I told him to have faith, one day his prince will come, and when he does and he has the prince securely bound and gagged in the underground dungeon, the royal family will pay handsomely for the prince’s return.

-I made some electric bifocals, but they burned my face. I don’t know why they got so hot. I need to check the wiring.

-I’m soaking some ropes in the bathtub to get them used to wet conditions in case I need to tie something up in the pond.

-It’s about time to have another inflammation party where I invite my friends over who are suffering from muscle and joint pain to the house so we can rub Bengay on each other.

-I was celibate for a while as a teenager after I developed double carpal tunnel syndrome.

-I bet if you were a civil rights leader, you’d get more attention if you were holding a chainsaw. Maybe not so much if you were dressed as a lumberjack; you would have to choose to be one or the other.

-I wonder when kids hear about lima beans for the first time, if they think the beans taste like lime? Maybe if the kids know what limes are…and they are dumbasses.

-My Uncle Nolan was known as a catnapper because he liked to sleep in a cage of stolen cats.

-Some people like stuffed turkey, but I like stuffed gourd, particularly the dry ones stuffed with chutney and lime-tasting lima beans. I serve it at my inflammation parties.

-My kidnapper friend is thinking of teaching a kidnapping class at the local community college. While there, he’s also thinking of enrolling in the life coaching certificate program because his life coach was killed after nobody would pay the ransom.

-I’ve got a sinus infection and earache after almost drowning in my cold pond. I was practicing tying up a couple of monkeys in the water, when they turned the tables and handcuffed me to the jet ski (I don’t know where they got the handcuffs). One of the little rascals fired up the machine and took off around the pond dragging me with it, circling around a couple of times until he wrecked the jet ski in the shallow end, trapping me underneath in the water. I pushed the jet ski off of me and sat helpless in the water for about forty minutes until I discovered the handcuffs were a toy set which could be easily broken. After another thirty minutes, I was free. That night, I ran a hot bath and soaked with my ropes.

-I invented a new hair dye that lasts quite a while. On the disclaimer, I’m going to say “May cause baldness, burned scalp, headaches, brain damage, death, and fatigue” just so I’ll be covered.