|03.29.2014||Posted by Dan Burt under Humor, Twitter Fiction||
I participated on the last day of the Second Twitter Fiction Festival, 12 — 16 March 2014. And by participated, I mean I posted a lot of tweets with the #TwitterFiction hashtag.
If I wrote erotic romance novels, I’d write a scene where one of my characters issues a lusty “Harrumph!” #TwitterFiction
Goddamnit, I’m calling animal control! For two mornings in a row, I’ve been butted in the crotch by feral goats. #TwitterFiction
For reasons unrelated to interior lighting fixtures, the neighborhood strumpet was known as the clapper. #TwitterFiction
I’m thinking of a number between 2 and 4. Okay, it’s pi, but I’m hungry. #TwitterFiction
My ungrateful boss fired me after I helped him get rid of his hiccups with my patented “punch to the throat” technique. #TwitterFiction
My symbolic concept of peace was destroyed when I saw two doves smacking the shit out of each other with olive branches. #TwitterFiction
None of the girls at the salon will wax my ass after they saw my vestigial tail because now they think I’m a demon. #TwitterFiction
I have a straw hat for sale. It has two holes in it because it used to be my donkey’s. Nowadays, he wears fedoras. #TwitterFiction
Dan writes letters to his 85-year-old future self so he will be surprised to hear from anybody when he’s senile and lonely. #TwitterFiction
The kids got restless at the stake burning because none of the parents brought marshmallows. #TwitterFiction
I don’t think it’s a good sign when the captain of the ship gets seasick. #TwitterFiction
The interior decorator I hired joked about attending support groups, but that explains why all the furniture is in a circle. #TwitterFiction
When I attended a funeral of a fairy friend of mine, Petal Bumblewand, I didn’t expect all the damn leprechauns to be there.#TwitterFiction
The double entendre case basically came down to a “that’s what she said”, “that’s what he said” situation. #TwitterFiction
In a few decades, I’m going to be the old guy telling the grandkids about how there used to be book houses called libraries. #TwitterFiction
I’m tired of picking up robes! The damn Druids haphazardly doff their garments every time someone turns on the hot tub. #TwitterFiction
Reality show idea: Ghostwriter Hunters. Investigators try to discover who is writing the books for celebrities & politicians.#TwitterFiction
When I draw an “8” it almost looks like a verticle bowtie, in the same way that “going” is almost a palindrome. #TwitterFiction
My Tourette’s syndrome started acting up at the auction and I bought all kinds of shit. #TwitterFiction
I dropped out of business grad school, so when I list my education credentials, I write MBA ’03 RIP. #TwitterFiction
Grandpa constantly complained at the movie theater during the film because his TV remote would not work. #TwitterFiction
“I’m fixing the feng shui in my shorts,” I said to the woman at Target who caught me adjusting my junk. #TwitterFiction
I got fired from my last modeling job because I sat down in the middle of the catwalk and ate a sandwich. #TwitterFiction
I need a number to a demon possession agency because my sister wants to meet this cute exorcist at the local church, but she’s kind of shy. #TwitterFiction
A Slinky got tangled in my hair and I couldn’t get it out. I had to go to work with it bouncing on my head like I was a goddamn Dr. Seuss character. #TwitterFiction
|02.09.2013||Posted by Dan Burt under Books, Humor||
Fixing the Feng Shui in My Shorts: A Year of Brainsick Tweets From a Naive Idiot is a book for readers with short attention spans who like to laugh at inappropriate things. At times bawdy and sometimes naughty, it is a compilation of tweets and other posts (with pictures!) about some of my unbelievable experiences in the past year.
You’ll read all about my strange menagerie of pets (both animals and plants), my frustrating interactions with family and inanimate objects, and my many attempts to contribute to this great planet with my unusual inventions and ideas.
The book contains bizarre adult situations, naughty language, and implied sexual situations with a pumpkin.
If you don’t have a Kindle or nook or any other ereader, or want to read ebooks on other devices (e.g. Android phone or tablet, iPad, iPhone, Mac, Windows PC or tablet, BlackBerry, or Windows Phone, et al.), you can download and install the following reading apps:
|02.03.2013||Posted by Dan Burt under Humor, The Yellow Ham||
Sometimes pets and animals can be a pain in the ass. And when they are, I let everybody know about it. I post about it on Facebook, Twitter, and DMX Fan Club forums (until my account was involuntarily deactivated). I even wrote a letter to Penthouse asking for advice because I knew they had experience with pets, but they never published my letter or answered me (not counting the subscription request). Following are some of the experiences I’ve had with pets and animals over the past year, which is also an excerpt from my upcoming book, Fixing the Feng Shui in My Shorts: A Year of Brainsick Tweets from a Naive Idiot.
I need to get some herding dogs that know how to handle cephalopods because I’ve got a lot of squid and cuttlefish swimming loose in my pond.
Can you sue a dog for perjury? The mutt’s on the witness list for my upcoming trial and I don’t trust that son of a bitch.
I hate to complain, but there’s a goat running around the neighborhood with no respect for the law.
Coincidence or karma? I slapped a Jim Nabors impersonator at the mall, and later a scorpion jumped out of my briefcase and stung me in the face.
I bought a new dog collar. Now my dog, Buddy, is jealous. He keeps looking at me when I wear it.
My reflexes have deteriorated worse than I thought. My pet sloth just beat me in a slap fight.
My backpack where I keep my hornet’s nest has been keeping me up at night with all the buzzing.
My pet turtle, Shelly Berman, said the lamp in the room was too bright. I’m like: What the fuck? Just stay in your shell! He’s always complaining about shit.
I need a small funnel to force-feed my pet fish, Fidel. He’s not sick; just stubborn. I’m not putting up with a fucking bullheaded anorexic fish.
I’ve had it with these fucking deer! I saw one through my telescope out in the woods behind my house spying on me with binoculars.
I’m trying to teach my dog how to play a harmonica. But when I put it in front of his mouth, the mutt won’t even try to blow; he just licks it.
Had to make a late night trip to Walmart because I was out of hamster shampoo (Suave’s Radiant Rodent w/Green Tea).
I think something’s wrong with my snake, Moby, because he’s starting to grow fur. I’m going to mail Moby to my vet and have her check him out.
My pet hawk. Hugo, has bubbles coming out of his beak. I bet that jive turkey ate my fucking soap again.
Some nights I stand in my backyard, gazing into the mysterious universe and wonder where my wire-haired terrier buried my mood ring.
I brought my pet goose, Glendora, to church. She kept honking throughout the sermon, even after I gave her some cough syrup. The commotion was so embarrassing, I ended up leaving church early. I told my wife to try rubbing Glendora’s tummy when I handed the goose to her when I left.
I got into a big fight with my parakeet, Chet, and now he won’t say two words to me (he only knows two words).
(Originally posted at The Yellow Ham)
|10.01.2012||Posted by Dan Burt under Humor|
|09.02.2012||Posted by Dan Burt under Humor, The Yellow Ham||