Fixing the Feng Shui in My Shorts Book Available
| 02.09.2013 | Posted by Dan Burt under Books, Humor |
Fixing the Feng Shui in My Shorts: A Year of Brainsick Tweets From a Naive Idiot is a book for readers with short attention spans who like to laugh at inappropriate things. At times bawdy and sometimes naughty, it is a compilation of tweets and other posts (with pictures!) about some of my unbelievable experiences in the past year.
You’ll read all about my strange menagerie of pets (both animals and plants), my frustrating interactions with family and inanimate objects, and my many attempts to contribute to this great planet with my unusual inventions and ideas.
The book contains bizarre adult situations, naughty language, and implied sexual situations with a pumpkin.
Purchase the book at Amazon (Kindle, MOBI format) or Barnes and Noble (Nook, EPUB) or Smashwords (EPUB format).
If you don’t have a Kindle or nook or any other ereader, or want to read ebooks on other devices (e.g. Android phone or tablet, iPad, iPhone, Mac, Windows PC or tablet, BlackBerry, or Windows Phone, et al.), you can download and install the following reading apps:
Amazon Kindle
Adobe Digital Editions
Fixing the Feng Shui in My Shorts Excerpt
| 02.03.2013 | Posted by Dan Burt under Humor, The Yellow Ham |
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Sometimes pets and animals can be a pain in the ass. And when they are, I let everybody know about it. I post about it on Facebook, Twitter, and DMX Fan Club forums (until my account was involuntarily deactivated). I even wrote a letter to Penthouse asking for advice because I knew they had experience with pets, but they never published my letter or answered me (not counting the subscription request). Following are some of the experiences I’ve had with pets and animals over the past year, which is also an excerpt from my upcoming book, Fixing the Feng Shui in My Shorts: A Year of Brainsick Tweets from a Naive Idiot.
I need to get some herding dogs that know how to handle cephalopods because I’ve got a lot of squid and cuttlefish swimming loose in my pond.
My pet bird, Chet, keeps plucking itself. Feathers are everywhere! I glued most of them back on, though.
Can you sue a dog for perjury? The mutt’s on the witness list for my upcoming trial and I don’t trust that son of a bitch.
I hate to complain, but there’s a goat running around the neighborhood with no respect for the law.
I had a dream that a terrier beat me in craps. The next day when I left for work, I was wondering what the dream meant when I stepped in dog shit.
Coincidence or karma? I slapped a Jim Nabors impersonator at the mall, and later a scorpion jumped out of my briefcase and stung me in the face.
I bought a new dog collar. Now my dog, Buddy, is jealous. He keeps looking at me when I wear it.
My reflexes have deteriorated worse than I thought. My pet sloth just beat me in a slap fight.
I was jumping rope in my backyard when I tripped over a possum that tried to join in.
My backpack where I keep my hornet’s nest has been keeping me up at night with all the buzzing.
My pet turtle, Shelly Berman, said the lamp in the room was too bright. I’m like: What the fuck? Just stay in your shell! He’s always complaining about shit.
I need a small funnel to force-feed my pet fish, Fidel. He’s not sick; just stubborn. I’m not putting up with a fucking bullheaded anorexic fish.
I need a small Snuggie for my iguana, Charo. She keeps wearing mine and it’s entirely too big for her. She looks ridiculous.
I’ve had it with these fucking deer! I saw one through my telescope out in the woods behind my house spying on me with binoculars.
I’m trying to teach my dog how to play a harmonica. But when I put it in front of his mouth, the mutt won’t even try to blow; he just licks it.
I need to call an exterminator because while I was in the bathroom taking a shower, I got stung by a jellyfish.
Had to make a late night trip to Walmart because I was out of hamster shampoo (Suave’s Radiant Rodent w/Green Tea).
I think something’s wrong with my snake, Moby, because he’s starting to grow fur. I’m going to mail Moby to my vet and have her check him out.
My pet hawk. Hugo, has bubbles coming out of his beak. I bet that jive turkey ate my fucking soap again.
Damn cow stepped on my cassette Walkman and broke it this morning when I was milking her. I hope the warranty covers farming accidents.
Some nights I stand in my backyard, gazing into the mysterious universe and wonder where my wire-haired terrier buried my mood ring.
I brought my pet goose, Glendora, to church. She kept honking throughout the sermon, even after I gave her some cough syrup. The commotion was so embarrassing, I ended up leaving church early. I told my wife to try rubbing Glendora’s tummy when I handed the goose to her when I left.
The damn dog’s been drinking my beer again. Found a couple of empty bottles of Moosehead in his doghouse next to his fondue pot.
I got into a big fight with my parakeet, Chet, and now he won’t say two words to me (he only knows two words).
(Originally posted at The Yellow Ham)
International Raccoon Appreciation Day
| 10.01.2012 | Posted by Dan Burt under Humor |
With October 1st being International Raccoon Appreciation Day, I want to issue an important public service announcement:
Heckling Myself at the Yellow Ham
| 09.02.2012 | Posted by Dan Burt under Humor, The Yellow Ham |
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Have you had your bumps read today?
More weird, strange, funny thoughts of mine at The Yellow Ham in my column Heckling Myself. I also have a sketch or two.
Klondike Comedy Showcase — Week 3
| 06.06.2012 | Posted by Dan Burt under Humor, Klondike Comedy Showcase |
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I’m participating in the Klondike Comedy Showcase, a comedy contest on Twitter sponsored by Klondike, running through July 23, 2012. Each week, a new topic is announced and funny entries (“tweets” with the #KCS hashtag) are accepted throughout the week on Twitter pertaining to the topic. The second week has been completed and another finalist was announced (SPOILER ALERT: once again, it wasn’t me).
The topic for the second week was “Your mom walks into a bar….” Here’s a list of my entries:
–My mom walks into a bar because it’s Bingo Night at the church and she has Alzheimer’s.
–My mom walked into a bar that offered free birthday drinks. It wasn’t her birthday, but she was sure it was somebody’s.
–Your mom walked into a bar seeking mental stimulation, but ended up getting drunk and going home with the losing sports trivia team.
–My mom walked into a bar, but was carried out by paramedics when she Coyote Ugly drunk danced on the bar and slipped on a bowl of nuts.
–Your mom walked into a gay bar and won third place in the drag show.
–Your mom walked into a bar looking for Mr. Goodbar, but nobody was looking for a Chunky Single.
–My mom walked into a bar because it was MILF Night. She won $10 for having the cutest C-section scar.
–Your mom walks into a bar and goes straight to the men’s restroom because it’s time for her shift at the glory hole.
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The winning entry for the week was “Your mom walks into a bar. I bought her drinks. We did it in the parking lot. You don’t look like me. I’m not your father!”
